Chapter 1
“My Story, Raw and Real”
This is not my weekend to have the children with me. I’ve been a divorced, single mother for more than 3 years now, one of those years without full custody of my children. I was sitting and drinking coffee with my Heavenly Husband, or just my Husband, asking Him, "Where do I start" and "How do I help women going through custody battles and are facing losing custody of their children?" And He told me to start at the beginning and to tell my story, raw and real. So let me obey and begin my story….
It started almost two years ago. My children went to visit their dad, Kevin, and the OW for the weekend like they always did. At that stage, Kevin and the OW were living together with her two children. Her daughter is a bit older than my daughter and her son is in between my daughter and son.
Like other Sundays, Kevin brought the children back that afternoon. Normally he would come in, hang around a bit and drink coffee before he left. But that specific day, he came in, didn’t want anything to drink and just said we needed to talk. I just knew something bad was about to happen because I saw the "hate wall" up again that wasn’t there for a long time. And then he started to talk; I cannot even remember everything he said because I think I went into shock… I think I lost consciousness (while still standing upright). I just remember hearing that he couldn’t afford to pay everything he offered in the divorce settlement anymore and that it would be better for the children to go and stay with them…I cannot afford to look after the children and that I should go and live with my brother 100km away...and that the children WANTED to go and stay with them and loves him more and are happier over there.
But before I continue, let me first talk about the divorce and the original custody agreement. Kevin filed for divorce, and I had to go and pick up the documents at a lawyer’s office in my town. I quickly looked over the documents and saw that it was the normal custody set-up; kids would stay with me, and he gets them every second weekend, and school holidays would be divided between us with the normal birthday and Christmas arrangements. Then there was a list of things he offered to pay. I didn’t have a lawyer and we never discussed custody issues or anything else; everything that was in the settlement document was what he offered. I signed and Kevin came to pick up the documents and that was it, no arguing about custody or demands or anything. Although he offered to pay a lot of things, I knew it wasn’t enough to provide or pay for everything, but my Husband provided in miraculous ways. No, we didn’t live in luxury, but we had what we needed.
One thing I do remember clearly during the divorce was that Kevin promised that he would never take the children away from me, that I am a good mother and there was no reason for him to take the children away. I can’t even remember why he said it, but it is something that stuck with me, and I guess that is why I was so shocked when he came to talk to me that Sunday afternoon.
During the separation and after the divorce, I never kept Kevin away from the children. While he still stayed in the same town as us, he always stopped here after work, drank coffee and ate something if there was extra food, I knew he was here for the children and tried to stay out of their way, but sometimes I was not so sure because he followed me everywhere making small talk, but that is beside the point, he always knew he was welcome to visit the kids or take them an extra weekend, what was stated in the settlement was not what I followed. I knew my children missed their dad and for their sake, I was very lenient with regard to Kevin seeing his children. I didn’t want to make it more difficult for the children than what it already was. Seeing them crying at night or jumping up when they heard the gate to see if it was their daddy just broke my heart into a million pieces.
Just before the divorce, I already found RMI, read the Restore Your Marriage book, did Courses 1 and 2 and was busy with a C3 (cord of three), and that is where I encountered the Facing Divorce course. I think, like all the other ladies that come to this ministry desperate and broken, I did not want to think about divorce, but even if Kevin did see changes in me, it soon became my reality because he said it was “too little, too late.” And therefore, I started reading the Facing Divorce book, and what I read made an impression on me and sank straight down to my heart. It helped me to face the divorce and get through it with my Mighty Counsellor, who fought for me and gave me the strength to go through it without fighting.
But let’s get back to that Sunday afternoon.
To be continued…
Please go to Facing Divorce Course (Facing Divorce Course – HopeAtLast.com)
Thank you so much Adina, there would have been no way that you would have been able to do all this without your Heavenly Husband!
It is such an important principle to not keep the children away from their dad although I must confess, my heart is not always inline with what I know I have to do. I have the peace to know that He is with them always as He is with your children. The best Father they can ever have!
It has been such a blessing to see you on this Restoration Journey. To have a front row seat on seeing how He has transformed you into this beautiful Wise Woman you are today. Thank you for encouraging me daily!!!
This is beautiful Adina! Yes, it’s true what you said, don’t try to keep children from their fathers, God warns us of that that’s in the RYM books but very few mothers are brave enough to trust Him.
“Be careful where you turn your children’s hearts. “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:6), for “the glory of sons is their fathers” (Prov. 17:6).”
But, I also want to encourage mothers not to be too eager to be the dutiful good Christian either, making it your mission to get them to spend time. Leaving everything to your Husband and your children’s Father is the only safe way to keep from falling into either ditch—I KNOW because I’ve been in both!
The first time around, I tried preventing my children from seeing the OW, only to resort to falling down, face buried in the carpet, trembling as I said to my Husband, “Your will be done,” whereby I was delivered. My oldest four were spared (I’ve shared this testimony many times before).
In round two, my youngest 3 children were not spared, but I did find myself close to the opposite slippery slope of “shoulds” and what would amount to how I “appeared” to others because I had a ministry. HE, my Husband, saved me from it all, as I just clung onto Him for dear life.
Adina, I also have to say that another KEY point in your MCL chapter is you put your children’s feelings ahead of your own!!! Whether the mothers is angry and wants to withhold due to spite OR she’s needy herself and can’t part with her children, both need a “dying to self” very much frowned upon in today’s society. Everyone is pushed to demand our happiness that comes first—but isn’t that how it all started with men cheating and not considering how many innocent lives would be affected by making sure “he was happy”? The only remedy is someone acting as an adult, willing to put others needs, namely the most innocent, the children, first and doing this with their loving Husband and children’s Father who is the only ONE wise enough to guide us as mothers.
There are SOOOO MANY mothers who are forced to face this, Adina, so your RJN is so needed “for such a time as this” BLESS YOU!!
BTW, I love the picture your Husband led you to use, which makes me think of what you and I talked about, Yvonne, creating an RJN website beginning with a https://rmiou.com/gs/
As I’ve said so many times, I am still in SHOCK that when I “google” something, it will take me back to a very old (sometimes 15 years old) GS but not the one we moved to one of our 22 WP websites.
Everyone building their own “for such a time as this” website is what I am anticipating happening soon.
My Husband also had me add ★ Bonus RJN “Facing Custody Loss” #MCL https://hopeatlast.com/c1/facing-divorce-course/
Yes, Yvonne and Erin it is a very difficult journey, and I cried many nights at His feet when I knew they were with my fh and OW over weekends and more so when the new living arrangements became a reality. It took a lot of breaking for me to reach the point of surrender and dying to my own self and my desires. Yes, there were times that my flesh wanted to be spiteful and keep the children from them, but only His grace helped me to stay strong and to not give in to that desires. Like I mentioned, it was only Him and through Him that I was able to do what I did and be able to let my children go and have the peace that surpasses all understanding. I got a lot of criticism for what I did, and I still do, but they do not understand, even if I try to explain, which I don’t do anymore, that I was called to a higher level of trust and obedience to Him, that there is a reason for all of this.
YES, if not for HIS GRACE—where would any of us be?!?!
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather BOAST about my weaknesses, so that His power may dwell in, rest on, work through me.’” 2C129
Adina, ADM thing… be sure that your Custody posts are under the Custody category and also you add the #MCN
Posted in: Custody
Filed under: #MCL
This explains a bit more
https://homegrownministries.com/hgm-wh-podcast-e2-part-4/#comment-54