Chapter 4 “Follow the Leader”

As a parent, which child training “expert” do you follow? It’s often hard to know who to choose since experts come and go.

Dr. Spock was all the rage when my mother was raising her seven children. Fortunately for me (and my siblings), my mother was never very good at following trends; therefore, rather than following his theory that crying was vital to a baby’s development when we cried, we were picked up. My mother told me that when she had guests or was at someone else’s home, she used to sneak away to pick us up even though “everyone knew” that crying was good (yes, good!) for a child’s lungs. Yikes.

Though we may laugh, it isn’t that far off the experts of today who encourage mom and dad to give a child “artificial” means of comfort, such as a blanket, Teddy Bear, pacifier, or encourage them to suck their thumb. This way, the parents don’t have to be bothered—but as a mother and now a grandmother *I* am bothered! I am bothered every time I think of how that little baby is going to use artificial comforts, like drugs, alcohol, food, and any other number of other things people today find to comfort themselves after following the experts or popular trends.

When you are looking for an expert—just look up! God is spoken of, time after time, as our Heavenly Father, and we are His children. Therefore, if you want to know how to raise your children, look at how God treats His own children, me and you. 

From the time I was a very young girl, I wanted to be a mother. I played with dolls for years longer than what was thought acceptable. Then, the moment the opportunity presented itself, I began babysitting to fulfill the need to mother. I was also blessed to be an aunt by the time I was only nine years old, so I would offer to come stay when babies were born, babysit my nephews and nieces, and also witness how four of my siblings were raising their children many years before I became a mother myself. Even in high school and through college, I worked for an enormous church nursery, gaining the experience I used to raise my own children. 

Like many of you, I watched to see how other mothers mothered their children and the fruits of their mothering. Were their children happy and well-behaved? So, when I became a mother, I made a conscious decision to do some of what I saw my mother (and the mothers around me) do, but also not do some of what I saw my mother (and the mothers around me) do. I witnessed the “fruits” of my grown nieces and nephews, the fruits of my upbringing, and my husband’s upbringing—both good and bad—knowing what sort of adults everyone became.

The blessings also extended to the fact that basically (while married), my children’s father regarded me as an “expert” and followed my lead when raising our children. 

Yet with all that “expertise,” how do you and I really know how to raise our children since each child is a unique and special individual “fearfully and wonderfully made”? 

Once I studied and learned Bible principles when hoping to restore my broken marriage, I began to think about how God, our Father, raised us, His children. For instance, how do we know whether or not to reward our children?

When we look at how our Father does it, He blesses us for “right” behavior, but He also punishes us for wrong behavior. However, many parents believe a child shouldn’t be rewarded for “right” behavior since it is “expected”—yet that is not biblical.

Nonetheless, rewarding is not the same as bribing. Bribing a child is not a good thing. For instance, if you say something like, “Honey, if you eat all your food, I will give you that chocolate cake.” This is a bribe and is not something you want to do. One, because it is not the way God does things with us, and second, because it doesn’t work. God simply tells us to do something; if we do it, He blesses us, and if we don’t, He punishes our behavior. 

Though this might seem cut and dry—enter His grace! The dictionary defines grace as “a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people; in Christianity, the infinite love, mercy, favor, and goodwill shown to humankind by God; in Christianity, the condition of being free of sin, for example, through repentance to God.”

As a parent, I seek opportunities to apply grace and mercy to my children. I don’t do it so they will love me more or because I am just too tired or fed up to deal with it. No, I apply grace in a situation to use it as an opportunity to remind my children of God’s grace and His mercy towards us as His children. If God does it for me, I want to do the same thing for my children. Can grace and mercy get out of hand? Absolutely, because in my experience with my own children and when caring for other children, I find that children are human, and that means that we all love to take advantage of a good thing, don’t we?

So, when do you offer grace, and when do you enforce punishment? That’s when seeking and hearing from God really pays off. Can a believer really “hear” from God, or is that just a mystical, far-fetched phenomenon from some weird Christians? Well, no matter your denomination, most of you believe the Bible is the true Word of God, and God said, “But you do not believe because you are not of My sheep. My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” (John 10:27). 

Even if you don’t believe you can “hear,” you certainly have felt led before. Stop to think about times you stopped to ponder what to do. Very often, it’s He who is leading you. “He leads me” (Psalm 23:2) is something to ponder when you pause, knowing what to do. Another comforting truth I use in parenting and most areas of my life is "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:4-6)

For those of you who still may not believe that He still speaks to His children, you do have the Bible to help you in your quest to raise your children for the Lord. Just be sure to concentrate more on the relationship than the law. 

There is a saying that goes something like this, “Rules without Relationship equals Rebellion.” How true. 

We see it throughout the Bible with the Israelites, and we see it today with children who came from “good Christian families.” Look at all those Christian children who grow up only to shame and horrify their family, church, and community when they fall into shockingly deep sin. Though some may have told you that no matter how you raise your children, they can still turn out badly, they are misinformed. The Bible promises that if we train a child in the way he (or she) should go, that when they are old, they will not depart from it. (Proverb 22:6) And please don’t bother arguing with me about how you know of families who did it right and their children still turned out badly because only God knows what was at the heart of it. As for me, if the Bible says it, it’s final. 

So this is the key point to consider—how are you training your child? By rules and regulations or guided by your love through your relationship with them and your Father? Rules, or the Law, God proved resulted in rebellion. Consider that only Moses saw God face-to-face, and it was he who not only didn’t worship the golden calf, but he was so angry he broke the first two tablets of the Ten Commandments.

Let’s also consider Joshua, who was willing to disobey to gain intimacy with God when everyone was told to stay off the mountain, yet he ventured up and hung around when Moses met with God. As for the Christians today, it is the believer who desires intimacy and a genuine relationship with the Lord—not the religious or a pious attempt—who not only obeys the Lord but does it easily and effortlessly because it is founded in love and admiration for the One Who loves them.

Again, we follow the Leader—first God, and how He fathers His children. Secondly, there is His Son, who exhibited the keys to being a good and obedient child of His Father—no matter the cost. He didn’t use His powers to do anything His Father hadn’t permitted, especially when He could have saved Himself from death and separation from His Father when He descended into hell.

Then, there is you. You are not just the authority here. You are also the example: how you are as a daughter of your Heavenly Father and as an earthly one with your own parents will significantly affect how you do as a parent. 

If you are rebellious, expect rebellion. 

If you excuse your behavior, expect excuses. 

Yet here is the good part— the more you are like the Father in your parenting, and the more you are like the Son in your walk of humility, the more your children will follow.

If I have done anything right, it was not due to me but entirely to Him. It is His love that I give my children and His wisdom that I use when I seek the truth in every given situation. It is His example of giving that I learned how to give to my children and His unconditional love that keeps me (and my children) pursuing Him.

To really enjoy your son or daughter (or a multitude of sons and daughters) and being a parent in today’s ever-changing and ever-challenging world means focusing on and following our Leader. Read His principles and know what He thinks and how He feels about everything, then do the same. It will keep you from fads and myths and save you from years of heartache and regrets. Learn to listen to that “still small voice” and give your burdens all to Him when things get too heavy for you to carry—and if you are like me—that happens all day, every day. 

Finally, as I said in Chapter 2, called L.O.V.E, there is no greater power in this world. When all else fails—love. Hug them, hold them, and tell them that you love them, now and forever. Forgiveness is more powerful than punishment, and accepting their blame or shame is more effective than shaming or blaming. That’s what my Leader did for me, so that’s whom I choose to follow.