God has designed a woman to be “…bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh” for her husband (Gen. 3:12). So why have we as Christian women bought into the feminist philosophy, allowing our role as the homemaker to be stolen? Because we are really unsure of what a woman was created and designed to do and to be. In today’s world men are not men and women are no longer women. This was the agenda of the feminist movement: to blend the roles. We now have confusion and unhappiness in both of the sexes. In addition, homosexuality and lesbianism are rampant in our society!

Without an understanding of our role as a “helper suitable,” we will tear down with our own hands our homes, our husbands, and our families. We will believe the lies and begin to play into the world’s idea of the role of a woman. Until I understood how uniquely created I was, I would try to steal my husband’s role. I was envious of his role and even despised being created a woman.

So look with me at how God in His perfect love and incredible wisdom designed and created us to be women.

Uniquely Created

Created for the man. We must seek knowledge from God’s Word to define how we were created and why we were created. “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” 1Cor. 11:8-9. As we begin to move into God’s perfect plan for our lives, we then can live the abundant life God promises in His Word. Our lives will reflect God’s Word, rather than deny it. Others will be drawn to Christ through the testimony of our lives.

Helper suitable for him. “And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.” Gen. 2:20. This statement really gets under the feminist’s skin. Does it get under yours too? As Christians, we must renew our minds to line up with God’s Word. God’s Word is Truth! Living the Truth certainly will not be easy and it will seem almost crazy at first. It will seem totally bizarre to others who watch and observe the changes in your life. But through obedience to His Word, we will soon understand and reap the rewards of our understanding and obedience.

As Christians we obey and believe even when we don’t see. This is the faith we profess. We have all experienced how the world’s way has worn us out. We are worn out because we have tried to do what we were not created to do and to be what we were not designed to be.

We must begin to see that God intended the role of a woman and of a man to be special and unique. We must ask the Lord for guidance and discernment with each task we are presently undertaking. Now let’s look first at how and why we were created in the beginning.

If you are anything like I used to be, the thought of being created “female” seemed more like a curse than a blessing. When I was young, I was referred to as a “tom-boy”—not at all feminine, though I did play with dolls when I was very young.

Although being a tomboy was accepted back then, it has now been taken to an entirely new level. Young ladies who are not at all feminine are commonplace. It denies that God created women “in His image” with unique characteristics that should be fostered in young women rather than overturned. For example, our society now goes out of its way to encourage and applaud any female who choose to sign up for a typically “male” sport. Am I right? And though the reason sounds good, I believe that this trend has added to the confusion and heartache that you, as a young woman, have had to cope. It adds to the struggle and lends more to the misunderstanding of what it really means to be a woman.

Women who only see the good in being male or masculine have an even harder time with the idea of marriage. Many young women find that they their only choices are to either live with a guy, and even for some, to be with another woman. Often, when a woman does choose marriage, she will demand the leadership role. This will also rob her of her femininity and the blessing of being the woman that God created her to be.

Are there really blessings in being a woman without having to take on a man’s role or masculine characteristics? Not too long ago, I would have had to say no, but since then, I have discovered what a beautiful blessing it is to be a woman!

It is my hope and prayer that this chapter will excite you, your friends, and all the other women in your life to embrace this belief as we search for the truth about the blessings of being a woman, created female.

Male and Female

Created male and female. “And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Gen. 1:27). “He created them male and female, and He blessed them and named them Man in the day when they were created” (Gen. 5:2). “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female” (Mark 10:6). “And He answered and said, ‘Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female. . .’” (Matt. 19:4).

The first thing we see in these verses is that God created us male and female—both were created in His image. Since we know that men and women are characteristically different, then we have to conclude that God is made up of a combination of characteristics seen both in a man and a woman. As society, and even the church, has lessened the role and position of a woman (to the point that women would rather look like or act like a man since a woman is deemed the inferior and useless gender) is it any wonder that women now try to adopt the characteristics of a man in order to feel worthy? How totally far from the truth this is! To begin with, women are the “bride” of the marriage relationship. The bride is whom Jesus is coming back for, so how could we, as women, be inferior? Instead, I believe and have come to know, that our femininity is what makes us unique and what the Lord longs for in a bride!

The woman is also the heart of the marriage relationship and of her home. It is a well-known fact that women base their actions on their feelings, or the dictates of their hearts. Although this is often mocked and ridiculed by men, I am extremely happy about it now since God says that what matters is the heart. Where women are concerned, this means that our actions and responses are based on love—which we are told, “never fails.” Wow!

*Now, this can get messy when we base our decisions on our “emotions” rather than on our hearts, or love, but that is another message… Keep in mind that when you let your emotions rule you. You must seek to understand your emotions. When your emotions are exaggerated, (like during certain times of the month) you must choose not to respond or make decisions at those times. Okay, back to our discussion…

Too many women believe that the Bible is biased toward men. This is not so. You can see in the verses above that God named the male and female “man.” Therefore, when you read a promise that “seems to be” male oriented, it is not. All of God’s promises are for women—all of them! This is evident in the verses above, and it is stated even more clearly in the New Testament where it is written, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).

Masculine. Women are not the only gender under attack; the masculinity of men, too, is mocked with change and blending as the goal. Men were created to be men, which means masculine, just as we were created to be women and feminine. Men need to know that we are happy that they are masculine, since being feminine is not the way God created them. We, as women and wives, need to do what we can to encourage and show our approval toward our husbands and our sons for their manliness. Because of this trend in society, without realizing it, we have played into the enemy’s attack by trying to change our sons and husbands into being more feminine.

However, I think this trend may also be due to the woman’s desire for a less aggressively natured man (especially toward women), which can be rectified by the truth that there is a vast difference between an effeminate man and a true gentleman. A gentleman is a gentle or meek man. The ultimate (greatest, most perfect, and highest quality) Man was Jesus who described Himself as meek and gentle. This is how He describes Himself:

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matt. 11:29). Let us also not forget who are deemed blessed by Jesus: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth” (Matt. 5:5). The best definition of meek that I have ever heard is to have “total power under complete control.” Jesus had the ability to destroy anyone and anything, condemn anyone or anything; yet He chose, instead, to lay down His life and His power. This is total power under complete control. This, too, is the behavior of a gentleman.

The term “gentleman” has also been ripped out of our vocabulary to further accomplish the goals of the feminists’ agenda, which has had the ability to cause confusion and to steal the masculinity of men. A true gentleman is now referred to as a male chauvinist when he opens a door, offers to pay, or tries to protect a woman. However, this is the way that I have chosen to raise my sons so that they will treat their (future) wives and daughters in the same way that they have treated their sisters and me. It is encouraged and applauded in my own family since this is the way the Lord treats me as His bride and I want my sons to be more like Jesus in every area of their lives.

So instead of gentlemen (because they are mocked and rejected by women and the media), our society has more and more effeminate men. Why is this a problem? Read this:

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate . . . shall inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor. 6:9). The first step to becoming part of the solution rather than propagating the problem is to refrain from trying to change the men in your life to act and respond like you do. Remember, strength is a good quality for a man, and as true gentlemen, the men in your life will have strength tempered by kindness and gentleness toward women and children, just like Jesus.

What We Wear as Women

Do clothes make a person? I believe they do. When we wear something feminine and pretty, we act and feel pretty. When I put on an apron or exercise clothing, I feel like cooking or exercising. When I was growing up my family always told me that I was not pretty. As a result, I wore very little makeup and chose clothes that were not at all attractive. However, once I married I began wearing pretty clothing, and I began to feel prettier.

Nevertheless, I never really believed that I was pretty until the Lord told me I was. Even though I was chosen to be a model for commercials, billboards and dozens of brochures, I never believed I was pretty until the Lord told me I was. If you have never felt pretty or beautiful, would you ask Him right now? Ask Him if you are pretty and then let Him tell you how He feels about you! It will totally change the way you feel about yourself. To me, if Jesus thinks I am pretty, I am, and I don’t care who else thinks that I am or I am not. Precious one, set yourself free today. Simply ask Him for his opinion—who else matters?

The Clothing Trap

“Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God” (1 Pet. 3:3–5). This verse does not say that we can’t wear pretty things as some interpret it, but instead, it tells us that we need to be more interested in what is on the inside of us.

This verse in Proverbs confirms that what is inside is more important for a woman than her outward appearance. “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). Women who concentrate more on their outward appearance are in danger of ignoring their inside (their heart condition), which is what the Lord faithfully tests. “The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests hearts” (Prov. 17:3).

God does not only warn us about women who dress in the newest styles, flashy attire, or the outrageous extremes as we read about in the verse from First Peter. Jesus spoke and warned us about the much more dangerous outward appearance—those who choose to wear religious clothing. Jesus said, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness” (Matt. 23:27).

The religious clothing of women today is often worn to prove that they are more religious or pious than other women of the world. Clothing has become a religious trap as some denominations have taken the difference in male and female clothing too far. They teach that women must have their heads covered, keep their hair long, and/or wear only dresses. Once again, what matters most about a woman is not what is on the outside, but what is inside—her heart.

If you are at all like me, when I see a woman who wears a head covering or other religious attire, I look at her as being more spiritual than the girl with the pierced nose or tattoo. However, I have come to see how totally ignorant I am and how often I have judged wrongly, “But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart’” (1 Sam. 16:7). Many of the religious women whom we hold in higher spiritual esteem are often nothing more than the religious Pharisees of Jesus’ time. At the same, time we look at the women who must “need Jesus” and judge them without knowing that inside, they have hearts that are purely devoted to Him.

When we lived on our farm, we drove through an Amish community on our way into town. These “religious” people live with no electricity, wear clothing that is exceptionally modest and non-flashy, and travel by horse and buggy. At first, I believed them as to be extremely spiritual until my pastor told me that they were very immoral as a community and most of them did not know the Lord at all. Here they are sacrificing and living so humbly, yet they are far from an eternity with Jesus. How sad.

Once, I saw a couple on one of the religious channels that had that “big hair” with all the glitz that many of us despise, and judged them as fakes when suddenly the Lord spoke to me that both of their hearts were as pure and devoted to Him as any person ever was! Here I was, again, judging the outward appearance rather than choosing to look at the heart! Ouch.

In the area of ministry, I am always shocked that it is often the women who wear the head covering or spiritual clothing who will want to talk to me about things that are extremely immoral. What they are interested in speaking to me about, and are often obsessed with, are things that never enter my mind. This again proves my ignorance and shows how I must come to the place where I do not judge someone by what they wear: good or bad. Instead, we must all look at the heart of the individual.

Through my own experience of caring more for my outward appearance, which includes making sure that I wear a cross, and what I do or say, because I care about what others think (when I should only care about my relationship with my Lord), I have generally found the following to be the case. When someone is in sin, they often try to cover it with outward religious attire, a religious or pious attitude, and flowery religious rhetoric (complex or elaborate language that only succeeds in sounding pretentious). Rather than dealing with the inside, religious women mask their filthiness as they judge others as less spiritual than themselves.

However, I am not here to cause division over any issues, and I certainly do not want to cause a woman who attends a particular church that encourages specific clothing to question the authority over them. “If anyone advocates a different doctrine, and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions . . .” (1 Tim. 6:3–4). Instead, it is my hope that we will all concentrate on our inside appearance (that only God can see), and that we may become more Christ-like, so that our love for one other will show others that we are Christians. We need to look deeper than what is seen, and take the time to look into the heart of every woman.

Also, because our ministry exists to bring families together and to strengthen marriages, I hope that it goes without saying that you need to obey your relevant authority. If you live at home and your parents believe in a head covering or religious clothing, then you need to do so without question and without insubordination (which means that you obey orders and submit to authority).

We all attain great spiritual oneness with the Lord by keeping our heart right before God and by being subject to authority. If you are under authority, and the Lord wants you to change what you are wearing, then He will open the eyes of those in authority over you. In the meantime, “let it be the hidden person of your heart” by showing a chaste and respectful attitude to all authority, and by holding others in higher esteem than you hold yourself. No one is holding you back, but instead it is in the midst of such obedience that each of us will find true intimacy with the Lord.

Masculinity in Women

As we have just studied, what we wear is not as important as who we are on the inside: in our hearts. However, let us look at the outward appearance to see if some of what we wear reflects what is on the inside. “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God” (Deut. 22:5). How many of you have noticed how many older women obviously dress only for comfort? Many older women, with their short hair, jeans and athletic tennis shoes, look exactly like their husbands and could be mistaken for men.

Recently, I was encouraging a particular woman to wear clothing that is more feminine. We even went shopping together to help her buy things that made her feel more feminine and beautiful. However, soon afterward, I was made aware of her very domineering and aggressive tendencies. She confessed that these tendencies were the reason her husband said that he left her. She and many others have also shared that their husbands had encouraged them to wear more feminine clothing (some husbands don’t “say” anything, but choose, instead, to leave them for a more feminine woman). Once again, it is what is inside that matters. However, when women wear men’s clothing, or have hairstyles or jobs that are unfeminine or masculine, women tend to act manlier or less feminine. In addition, women who dress in a masculine fashion are denying the fact that God created women special and unique—feminine.

Each time the Lord leads me toward change, He teaches me something new. I honestly would never have been caught dead without wearing my cross (not even when I slept), but then suddenly the Lord led me to take it off. Now, some of you might think that I am less spiritual and am headed toward backsliding (by my sharing this with you, I also run the risk of being judged). However, the reason He has had me remove it is that the Lord has told me that He wants me to prove to others that I am His not by what I wear, but how I act and react to the people whom I come in contact with. “But someone may well say, ‘You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works’” (James 2:18).

When He leads me, I still wear my cross, since when I am sharing my faith with others by being outrageously kind or forgiving, I often notice that people tend to look down at the cross I am wearing. I hope that it shows them who it is who empowers me to be good or kind or forgiving—there is certainly nothing in me. When He leads me not to wear it, which now is most of the time, I know that I am going to have to let my light shine and burn more brightly to lead someone to the One who loves them perfectly. “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16).

Branding instead of beauty. “In that day the Lord will take away the beauty . . . Now it will come about that instead of sweet perfume there will be putrefaction; Instead of a belt, a rope; Instead of well-set hair, a plucked-out scalp; Instead of fine clothes, a donning of sackcloth; And branding instead of beauty” (Isa. 3:18). What comes to my mind when I hear the word branding is tattooing. It still amazes me how popular this is with teens, with young adults—and now even with grown women. We also see today’s youth piercing “everything.”

Most mothers hope and pray that our children will not fall prey to tattooing or body-piercing, but when you are a single mother, or you have a husband who may still love to follow the ways of the world, then it can seem impossible that your child will be spared.

Right after my husband left me, even before the divorce, my son showed up at dinner with his ear pierced. I thought that it was fake at first, but he assured me that it was real. Later, when I retreated to my bedroom, I cried (something I had not done even when my husband walked out to divorce me). I just saw it as rebellion, and I was heartbroken. However, in my prayer closet, the Lord told me that I shouldn’t look at the earring, but that my son’s heart was so good toward Him. I apologized to my son and chose that day to look at the earring as a sign of his good heart toward the Lord. A few weeks later, I heard that when he removed it to clean it, he could not get it back in again—and he chose not to try. Later, I overheard him tell his friends that he removed it because “his mom had cried.” How awesome God is!!

A Helper Suitable

If you hope to be married some day, it is important that you understand the role that a woman plays as a wife and a “helper suitable” to her husband, not the other way around.

Helper suitable for him. “And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:20).

Created for the man. We must seek knowledge from God’s Word to understand how we were created and why we were created. “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake” (1 Cor. 11:8–9). As we begin to move into God’s perfect plan for our lives, we can then live the abundant life that God promises in His Word. Our lives will reflect God’s Word, rather than deny it. Others will be drawn to Christ through the testimony of our lives.

As Christians, we obey and believe even when we do not see it. This is the faith we profess. We have all experienced how the world’s way has worn us out. We are worn out because we have tried to do what we were not created to do and to be what we were not designed to be.

Until I understood how uniquely created I was, I would often try to steal my husband’s role. I was envious of his position, and even despised being created a woman. So that you may understand your uniqueness, study with me now how God in His perfect love and incredible wisdom designed and created us to be women.

One Flesh

We must first begin to see that God intended the role of a woman and of a man to be special and unique. We must ask the Lord for guidance and discernment with each task that we undertake. Now, let us look at how and why we were created with regard to marriage.

Leave his father and mother. “‘FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’” (Matt. 19:5). “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). Leaving a father and mother physically is not exactly what these verses mean, since we know that during the Old Testament period, families all lived together. These Scriptures refer to leaving emotionally and mentally; actually, a transfer of loyalty from a man’s parents to his wife.

Cleave to his wife. “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). Cleaving is defined as “a desperate holding onto.” This is quite clearly not happening today, since so many men leave their wives.

So what should a wife do if her husband continues to try to please or find approval with the family that he should have left? First, a wife should make sure the log is out of her eye and that she is not still trying to find approval with her own family.

However, leaving and cleaving is not the same as honoring your father and mother. The Bible is clear that we are to honor our parents, even when we are adults and our parents are older. Not only is honor for parents, Scripture also says that a husband is to honor his wife.

So, a good way to see if the man you hope to marry is going to be a good marriage partner for you, is to look at his relationship with his parents, and how he honors them. If he is good to his mother, then more than likely he will be good to you too. However, if he tries to do everything to please his parents, it is not a good sign. It may, and most likely, will be continue once you are married.

That’s why it is very important that you pursue God now rather than looking for a husband. If you pursue God, the right man will pursue you. Nevertheless, once you see an amazing man of God pursuing you, do not look his way, but pursue God even more! If he is man enough to overcome you, he deserves you!

Grant her honor. “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). When a husband is divided between what his wife thinks or feels and what his parents think or feel, what is a man to do? Whom should he honor?

Jesus told us by quoting the book of Genesis, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). He also said, “Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6).

Though I never gained the respect of my former in-laws or the devotion that I longed for with my former husband, I know that I have sown good seeds that I will reap in my children’s spouses as a mother-in-law. This is just the way God is. God is a God of justice and He promises that whenever we honor Him, we will never be ashamed that we did so. “You, O LORD, I have taken refuge; Let me never be ashamed” (Ps. 71:1). “You will not be put to shame or humiliated to all eternity” (Isa. 45:17).

Even more importantly is that I have learned to be the Lord’s bride, which is a role that I will fill for all eternity, not just in this life. So if you are not yet married, keep your goal as being His perfect bride, since this will, without a doubt, be the most rewarding of your life.

The Spiritual Leader

One question many married women ask is, “Who should be the spiritual leader since my husband won’t or doesn’t lead us?” Or, many women will state, “I have to be the spiritual leader of our home because my husband is not even a Christian!” Why are so many men neglecting or forfeiting their position as the head of their family spiritually?

Her husband is known. Most Christian women, I believe, desire their husbands to be the spiritual leader of their family. “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land” (Prov. 31:23). However, too many women undermine their husbands by pushing, condemning, or by simply going to church themselves, and bringing their children. When women enter the church to fulfill their own spiritual needs, men are then left to pursue other interests and sin often enters the home.

It was when the majority of the men left the church that their wives fell into the hands of liberal pastors. “For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the Truth” (2 Tim. 3:6–7). Too many churches are now over-run with weak men and strong-willed women. This is hindering the effectiveness of the church as a whole because the real men, the meek Christian men, are nowhere to be found! “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how will it be made salty again? It is good for nothing anymore, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men” (Matt. 5:13).

Being in and part of a church is not as important as it is to gain real intimacy with your precious Lord and Savior, Jesus. This goes for children as well. Many mothers force their children to go to church, until they run, rather than to simply walk away from the Lord. The church is a gathering of believers, and of course, many young people get saved when they attend a service. I believe that mothers can do much more than the “church” when they foster the need for the Lord at home. Mothers must lead by example and through our love (which is patient) toward them and others.

Many women, unfortunately, focus on Bible head-knowledge that leads to a feeling of superiority over others who are less educated (often over their own husbands). However, it is our attitude (of humility) and our love (which is patient and kind) that wins a son, a daughter, or a husband to the Lord. It is the self-righteous and pious Pharisee who flaunts their religion (by running off to church and other religious groups and meetings), but neglects her duties as a wife and/or mother, who finds her entire family rejecting Jesus.

The church would do well to focus their Bible studies on what a woman, wife, mother, and homemaker should know since over half of the homes in America (and around the world) are crumbling. Our obsession for more knowledge (even Bible-knowledge) is often what destroys our families because it intimidates husbands and other men. Since the day Eve ate of the fruit to “make one wise,” women have been hungry for “knowledge.” This hunger can be just as destructive as it was for Eve and the generations that followed her.

Let me shock you with this statement: it is time for women to make a mass exodus out of the church, while we wait for our men (husbands, sons, and fathers) to find their way back to God and their place of leadership.

I know it is not an easy thing to do. Right after my husband returned in 1991, he church-hopped all over the city and throughout every denomination. Finally, disheartened, he settled on “home church.” I lost a lot of my friends during this period since many accused me of backsliding since I wasn’t going to church. Even though it was hard to home church for so many years, it was what God used to get my husband in the Word again.

As a result, he was finally saved and gave his testimony when baptized. Prior to this, I really do not believe that he was saved, though he claimed to be a Christian, had prayed the “sinner’s prayer”, and responded to numerous altar calls. Prior to this time, he did not like the church, or Christians, nor did he have a desire to read his Bible. This all changed in an instant, which is a sign of a true salvation. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come” (2 Cor. 5:17).

This miracle took place only because I trusted God enough to wait for Him to move my husband while I focused on my intimacy with Him. I had to be honest and to ask myself, what would be the point if I was in church and my husband (my children’s father) was still at home watching sports or at a movie? Most of the women who mocked my radical submissiveness continued attending the nightly revival alone without their husbands. However, because I waited for God to move my husband to church, we became members and my children all became leaders and involved in church in an amazing way! Even today, many, many years later, all of my children are devoted to the Lord. This is not because of what I said, but because of what I lived.

Christ is the head of every man. Christ is the head of every man, not just a Christian man. This, then, cannot be used as an excuse for a wife taking the spiritual leadership seat from her husband. Take a moment to read First Corinthians 11:3 yourself, “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of woman, and God is the head of Christ”.

Teach or exercise authority over a man. Women are so foolish—we show off spiritually and are notorious for telling our husbands how we make time to read our Bibles. We flaunt our religious books and magazines that we read, which are the deadly actions of the self-righteous. “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet” (1 Tim. 2:12). “O My people! Their oppressors are children, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who guide you lead you astray, and confuse the direction of your paths” (Isa. 3:9).

Who is the head of your home spiritually? When women are the ones who rule the home, you can expect nothing but trouble. If your mother is in charge in your home, the chances are that when you marry, your home will follow the same pattern. As a young Christian woman, you cannot in all good conscience allow that to happen knowing the trouble it creates.

Pray continuously for the Holy Spirit to guide you to find a husband who wants to be the spiritual leader of his family. Make sure that the guy you are interested in now is not performing to impress you, but it truly a God seeker. Ask the Lord to show you how committed he is to Him and He will.

The Savior

The savior. “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23). The husband is to be the Savior of your family. Wives often think that they are to be the saviors, but the husband is the head. Therefore, when there is a financial crisis, or any crisis, the husband really should be the one to “save the day”. This goes for you whom, like myself, are unmarried, and are therefore, the Lord’s bride. We, too, must look to Him to save the day. We see wives run out to get a job, or make financial plans when a financial crisis hits, which only serves to rob her husband of his God-given role. When the husband makes the plan, and his wife happily submits, their relationship is strengthened and his devotion to his wife increases. However, when it is the wife who “saves the day” with some kind of plan, then the home is instantly out-of-order and is weakened—headed for destruction!

We women must fulfill our role as the ones who are subject to our husbands (or heavenly Husband). The husband alone is to be the head of the home and the savior of the body. Of course, most wives choose to tell her husband how he should cut back financially or the solution to his problems. Big mistake.

Why not do yourself a favor and embrace the role God created you to have? Whenever a problem arises, instead of finding the solution, give it to your heavenly Husband, the Lord! This will stop the vicious cycle of your saving the day, and get you ready to allow your husband when you marry to be the leader of your home—thus strengthening rather than weakening your marriage! Not only will you be allowing your husband to fulfill his proper role, but you will also free yourself of the burden, which will result in peace and love that will cover any mistakes he might make.

If you are in a relationship, who is it who is running things? When your boyfriend or fiancé has a problem, are you already playing the role of “savior”? If so, you will follow this pattern in your marriage and it will ruin it. Also, if you learn now to be quiet and listen, you will also be able to tell if the man you are interested in is capable of seeking the Lord for His help and guidance. If he is looking to you, or to his parents, or someone else, this is exactly what he will do when you marry.

Here are some short testimonies from women who have followed this principle:

Testimony 1: My husband was not the disciplinarian in our home. Therefore he was the great guy and I was the creepy, mean mom! One day, I finally decided to act on the principle of allowing my husband to lead. It took pulling back on my extreme authority until all chaos began to happen. I had always kept the children under control; therefore, my husband had never noticed any problem. Frankly, I was tired of being the only adult in the house. I decided to follow my husband’s lead of not disciplining, correcting, or training our children for almost a year. I watched as our children got totally out of control. I had always kept everything basically calm, so my husband never understood when I would ask him to help me to discipline the children. So, when they got totally out of control, he was shocked! It finally made him move. For the first time, he put his foot down, and paddled them without my asking him to! It was just what my children needed. Most importantly, I was relieved of the burden of being the sole disciplinarian, which left me more time to enjoy, play with, and love my children the way my husband had done in the past. We are now “together” raising our children. There is finally the balance that I had always dreamed of, but had unknowingly undermined by taking charge.

Testimony 2: I always tried to cushion the harshness of my husband’s authoritarian ways in dealing with our children. I felt that I needed to protect them from their father, especially our child I felt that he was sort of picking on. What I didn’t realize was that I was not only blocking his harsh ways, but I was blocking the children’s love from their father too. Once I heard this principle, I decided to try it by following his leadership. My test came when my husband told our son to mow the lawn. I usually would keep after him until he mowed it, but this time, I said nothing. My son went to bed without mowing the lawn that evening. At 11:30 p.m. his dad came back home from his meeting, and wanted to know why the lawn had not been mowed. Instead of making excuses and defending my son as I usually did, I just said, “I don’t know.” My husband went in, got him up out of bed and made him mow the lawn in the dark that night. My son cried the entire time, and secretly, so did I. But things radically changed the very next day! Finally a deep closeness developed between my son and his dad. Also, my son began to mature, eliminating a major concern and burden of mine.

Testimony 3: My husband was never very good at providing for the family. I always bailed him out when he lost his job or when we were short of money by going back to work. One day, from sheer exhaustion, I made the decision that I would follow his lead and be quiet when financially things began to fall apart. Things did get crazy and he still wouldn’t take the lead, but I was determined to be still. Things got worse and then he got angry. I used to rescue him when he got mad, but this time I remembered the Scripture, “A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19). He was so accustomed to my taking over in a crisis that he did not really know how to. Instead of doing something, this time I sat quietly and prayed for him. I prayed the Scriptures that speak about the husband providing and about the fruit of diligence, while I kept quiet and still. Then, all of a sudden, my husband leaped into action. It was amazing!

I am now free to concentrate on the kids and our home. It has freed me up to care for my husband more than I had before. I think my resentment towards him was festering for a long time. I was so busy with work, caring for our family, and keeping the home up that I had not realized that that was what was keeping my husband and me from being close. Now I am able to show gratefulness to him. All this has brought out a wonderful man whom I never knew was in there! I sometimes fall back into being the head and savior of our home when my husband doesn’t move fast enough for me, or I don’t think he’s handling it the right way, but I am beginning to learn that these situations are not my problem. When he doesn’t move or if he doesn’t handle it the right way, that’s between him and the Lord. The Lord is the head of him, not me.

Created to carry the burdens. Did you know that the husband was created to carry the burdens of his family? Just look at a man’s broad and muscular shoulders compared to a woman’s shoulders. Women even tried to imitate the man’s shoulders with shoulder pads in the 80’s! Did you know that men are actually designed to work best under pressure? Many women will tell their family and friends that her husband can’t handle the pressure, but that’s only because she has always been her husband’s safety net.

Women, on the other hand, were created to handle many things at once. We are able to run the home with all its maintenance and manage children of various ages, personalities and needs, the meals, cleaning, the continual tidying up, and the family’s hectic schedules. Women seem like they can do it all, but while they are trying to do it all, what are their husbands doing? Usually playing—playing sports, enjoying their hobbies, or too often, playing around!!!! So many women who come to our ministry for marriage help confess that they thought that doing it all would make their husbands admire and love them, when it actually made them look for a places where they felt needed—with those helpless women they work with.

Sanctify. A husband was designed to play a major role in the sanctification of his wife as we see in the following Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:25). This is a very powerful biblical truth that very few couples will ever realize: wives need to be sanctified (purified) when her husband reads and shares Scripture with his wife. How does the church keep the body cleansed from the sin that creeps into the church? By reading God's Word. With wives, it is the same way.

Testimony: My husband always felt intimidated by his responsibility in this area of sanctifying through God’s Word. We discovered a wonderful and beautiful solution to the family’s need to be in the Word daily. Our family sits together, all nine of us every morning, and listens to a CD of Alexander Scourby reading the Bible correctly. Just one CD a day, while reading along, takes you through the entire Bible in just 62 days! The combination of listening to a magnificent orator, and reading along with him, is so powerful it cannot be explained! Our older four children also read along, while our three non-readers sit quietly, doing puzzles, or coloring. This method works for anyone who wants to read through the Bible. You can have a CD and read through the Bible in four months rather than the yearly reading so many do, but give up on.

Love. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved . . .” (Eph. 5:28). “So husbands ought also to love their own wives . . .” (Eph. 5:25). “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them” (Col. 3:19). Since the feminist movement permeated the church with lies, there has been a “blending” of the roles and commandments given to men and women. We continue to hear others say that God commanded men and women to love their spouses; however, did you know that this “command” was only given to the husband? Actually, the only reference for a woman to love her husband is given in Titus. It says that the older woman is encouraged to teach the younger woman to love her husband and her children. Deuteronomy 4:2 says, “You shall not add to the word which I am commanding you . . .”

So, does that mean a wife isn’t to love her husband? Emphatically, no! “. . . and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us . . .” (Eph. 5:2). Instead of love, the wife’s primary role must be to respect and submit to her husband. Love, genuine love, will follow.

Why share this fact? Primarily because many women find after being married that they no long “feel” love for their husband. The solution is not to find a new lover, but instead it will be remedied by being respectful and submitting to her husband. Soon, she will see that her heart will follow her obedience to God’s commands.

Are subject. “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24). “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18). “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). “. . . pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be dishonored” (Titus 2:5). Husbands are to rule over everything. However, most husbands choose to “delegate” many areas of the home to their wife.

Nevertheless take special note: Financial problems are one of the biggest reasons for divorce (only infidelity is higher). This means that the way to divorce proof your marriage is to give back this important leadership role to the husband. Couples who have allowed the husband to rule their homes by controlling the finances have reported nothing but praises. They have reported that it totally eliminated financial fighting. Decide before you marry that your husband will control the finances no matter how you might be better with numbers and money. Women who control the finances are burdened and are missing a tremendous blessing.

And while you are still not married, don’t think that you must take over this responsibility because you don’t have a husband! Turn it over to your heavenly Husband. This has totally relieved me of the pressure and burden, and when I did I watched my family’s finances take a turn for the better immediately besides giving me my joy back. God will test you on this, but just keep giving this responsibility back to Him each time you begin to worry or become overwhelmed. He can be trusted with this area of your life. Remember, “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19).

Conclusion

You are a woman who was created perfectly and uniquely. There is no need to try to take on the role or characteristics of a man, or to be embarrassed or ashamed of the way you were created: God created man and woman in His image. Perfectly and wonderfully, you were made!

I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

—Psalm 139:14–16

Personal commitment to seek the Lord and embrace my femininity as a woman. “Based on what I have just learned from God’s Word, I surrender my femininity to the workings of the Lord. My desire is to seek the Lord as I embrace the way I was created. When I marry, I will surrender my husband to the Lord so that he may be the man he was created to be. In doing so, he will want to take his role as the leader in our home, including the spiritual leadership role, as I wait patiently for God to empower him.”