Chapter 4 Kindness Is on Her Tongue

Did you know that every word you say, every word that you allow to come out of your mouth, is the most noticeable demonstration of your character as a Christian woman? But, unfortunately, most Christians don’t realize that what they say, good and bad, affects their relationship with other people and speaks volumes to everyone—especially the lost whom they are hoping to lead to the Lord!

For most of us, it is our relationships that we cherish the most that are often the very ones that are ruined or destroyed because of the words that we speak without discretion. “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion” (Proverbs 11:22). What this verse is saying is that our beauty is worthless when what comes out of our mouths lacks “wise judgment and sensitivity needed to avoid embarrassing or upsetting others”. This is the definition of discretion.

Your Tongue: So Small, Yet So Deadly!

Set on fire by hell. “So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell” (James 3:5-6 ESV).

Both blessing and cursing. “But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?” (James 3:8-11).

Guard my mouth as with a muzzle. Here is a sobering thought: “Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold O Lord, Thou dost know it all” (Psalm 139:4). Therefore, “I said, ‘I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle’” (Psalm 39:1).

The Bible says that it’s NOT a Lack of Communication
that Destroys Relationships…

Instead, the Bible says we must watch How Much we say!

The first thing we will learn from the Bible is the myth about the lack of communication that “experts” claim destroys relationships, especially marriages—but that is not what the Bible says! When searching the Bible for the real truth you will find, as I did, that God tells us the opposite is true.

Many words. It’s not the lack of communication that causes problems, but when there is a lot of talking and discussing, transgression (which means violating one of God’s Laws) cannot be avoided. “With many words transgression is unavoidable” (Proverbs 10:19). The NLT says the same verse this way: “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”

Keep silent. Many times we are encouraged to “speak our minds” and share what we really feel, but God says something totally different. He says “A man of understanding keeps silent” (Proverbs 11:12). And that “One who guards his mouth preserves his life; one who opens it comes to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).

*Some have called the Bible chauvinistic because throughout the Bible you see the word “man” but this is referring to both man and woman. The word “man” actually translates into “human” like a human being.

Close your lips. God says that we practice wisdom and appear wise when we say absolutely nothing! “Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent” (Proverbs 17:28 NLT).

Rather than always having something to say, the Bible encourages us to “let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’—anything beyond these is of evil” (Matthew 5:37).

Empty chatter. Having something to say is fine, but today there is simply too much talking that is rather foolish and leads to sin. “Guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter” (1 Timothy 6:20). Everywhere you see people spending every waking minute on their cell phones, either talking or texting. No wonder our lives are in turmoil.

Gentle and quiet spirit. And did you remember what it said in the last chapter—that God says that He finds a quiet and gentle woman precious to Him? So, the question should be, if someone was asked to describe you, would they say that you had “the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God”? (1 Peter 3:4).

Without a word. It is never too soon to be thinking about life as a married woman—even if you’re not “planning” to marry. There are many women who had planned to never marry, or to wait, who found themselves at the altar. With that said, now is the time that you must form the thoughts, opinions, and habits that will follow you into your marriage. They will either help your marriage prosper, or they will prove to destroy it! “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1).

Most who end up marrying do very little thinking beyond their wedding day and honeymoon. But it is what happens after this that will determine whether or not you stay married! And very few couples actually stay married these days! This is due primarily to violating the principles that you are learning in this book. The principles in this book, when applied with a pure heart, have helped save marriages that were over, ended in divorce! Did you know that? So, if these principles are proven to work to save hopeless marriages, how much more powerfully will they work if your life and marriage are built upon them?

Let’s learn another principle. Though you have heard and seen women telling their husbands that they are wrong, God says, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Quite a difference compared to what you see in most marriages today. Not only should we not say too much…

God tells us to be careful How we say it.

Guard your mouth. How many times have you gotten into trouble because of something you’ve said? “He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from trouble” (Proverbs 21:23). “There is one who speaks rashly like thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). “The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, but the perverted tongue will be cut out” (Proverbs 10:31). The word perverted has more than the meaning usually associated with it. It also is “deviating greatly from what is accepted as right, normal, or proper.”

What comes out of your mouth? This verse clearly explains that what you say is very important. “For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned” (Matthew 12:37). “It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man” (Matthew 15:11). This is a verse that shocked a woman who had thrown her husband out of their house due to his drinking and taking drugs. Convicted she said she never realized that she would harass her husband for what he put into his mouth, but God is more concerned by the unkind and disrespectful words that came out of her mouth! She asked her husband’s forgiveness, their marriage was restored, and he later became a prominent deacon at their church!

Give attention to your words. This Scripture describes two types of wives; which one will you turn out to be? “An excellent wife is a crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4).

Sweetness of speech. If you have shamed your parents, your boyfriend, your friends, or someone else by what you have said (to or about them) or in your attitude (toward them), God has offered each of us the perfect cure. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). And how you act now will be exactly how you will act when you are married; which means you will quickly be headed toward divorce unless you change.

Be cheerful & feel good. Attitude is everything; did you know that? Sadly, most girls today have a stinking attitude. Even Christians think it’s okay to have an “attitude” because they too see it every day on television and in movies—it’s everywhere! The sad part is that this “attitude” that we all except is what has led to miserable relationships and rampant divorce. Rather than have a stinking attitude, why not prove that Christians are different and seek God to change you? I mean, who doesn’t want to be around someone who is joyful, kind and up lifting all the time? As a matter of fact, the Bible says that, “If you are cheerful, you feel good; if you are sad, you hurt all over” (Proverbs 17:22 CEV). That alone should be motivation enough for each of us to seek God to change us!

Righteous lips. Is there anyone who doesn’t love a kind word? The Bible says, “he who speaks right is loved” (Proverbs 16:13). How should Christians speak to one another—especially with their parents and siblings who are often the hardest to speak kindly too? “Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:19). Not only do you make others happy—you make yourself happy! Listen to music that is singing love songs to the Lord. Don’t sing about Him—sing to Him. You have no idea how this will make you feel and how close your relationship with Him will become.

Oh, and by the way, what you say must be consistently kind. When there are kind words one day, then cutting or rude words the next, the kind words are lost and the cruel comments are what are left. We complain about it when people do it to us, but are you and I thinking how often we are unkind or even cruel to others? How can we dare complain if we are in the habit of saying unkind words to others? Even if they are true, is the truth said to us taken well, or would we prefer other people to encourage us by kind comments that help us be better people? So, just as the Bible says: we need to treat others the way we hope they will treat us!

Do away with childish things. You may think you’ve grown up and are now an adult, but if you hurt others by what you say to them or about them, you prove you’re not.  One of the biggest lies we learn as children is Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Trust me, cruel and unkind words can stay with you like a horrible scar all of your life. Most adults still have not recovered from some of the words spoken to them when they were children. This is what the Bible says: “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT). Now is the time to put away childish things like speaking to others or about others unkindly.

Fighting and conflicts destroy relationships!

Stop it. “The start of an argument is like a water leak—so stop it before real trouble breaks out” (Proverbs 17:14 CEV). “Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting—and conflict” (Proverbs 17:1 NLT).  “Fool’s words get them into constant quarrels; they are asking for a beating” (Proverbs 18:6 NLT). It is not uncommon for women who claim to be victims of domestic violence to have caused the quarrel by belittling their husbands. Sadly, no one cares what the root cause is; so many times, women are forced to run and hide in shelters. Instead, it’s better to go to the root of the problem and teach women to edify or build their husbands up so that they will be safe from harm and help their husbands be the men that God intended them to be.

Women must also know that God does not promise to protect anyone living in sin; that is open territory for the enemy. So, if a woman is not married to the man she is living with, she needs to go home. If she has no home, then she needs to get out of sin, then seek God who will find her shelter and protection. “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe” (Proverbs 18:10).

Eliminate constant friction. Is your life filled with constant quarreling and outbursts of anger? “When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear…quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension [opposition], division… and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21).  Don’t look at the other person to stop an argument, simply refuse to fight—by saying something kind to the other person will usually stop any argument. Begin by saying, “You’re right; I was wrong” and shaking your head in agreement.

Two of you agree. Did you know that agreeing is the BEST way to stop any argument? The Bible says so: “Agree with your adversary [enemy] quickly” (Matthew 5:25 NKJV). “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3). “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 18:19).

Anyone can disagree, instead be agreeable—especially when the other person is angry. The person who is angry is often yelling and screaming about something that is essentially true or has some basis of truth to it. Therefore, when you are humble enough to agree with another person, especially when that person is out of control, you are reaching spiritual and emotional maturity. The age of the person doesn’t matter; it is their maturity level—don’t you agree?

Go another mile. So then, if you want to really be blessed by God and prove your spiritual maturity, after you have agreed with the other person—bless them! Why? Jesus said, “But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also” (Matthew 5:39). It means, “not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).

And here is another principle that will change your life; when the other person is being unkind or verbally abusive, never try to protect or defend yourself. Instead, the Bible says that we are to agree with them, bless them, and then go take what they said to the Lord. Ask HIM what the truth is. Because what HE thinks about us is all that matters, right? Then, keep what God said to yourself, hide it in your heart, and ponder it often. That is what Mary, the mother of Jesus did, and what no one seems to be able to do today. Rather than running to tell all her friends that she was going to be the mother of Jesus, the Savior, it says, “But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). Can you imagine you or I doing that?

Foolish arguments. “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people” (2 Timothy 2:23–24 NLT). So often arguments sprout up because we or someone else is a know-it-all. We ignorantly and foolishly say something as if it were a fact, which then turns into a fight. This is not the way a Christian should live.

“Slaves must always obey their masters and do their best to please them. They must not talk back” (Titus 2:9). Remember this, you and I are Jesus’ slaves since He bought us with a price—His precious blood. And the word “masters” stands for anyone and everyone who is a person of authority over us—whether we like them or respect them or not. This means your parents, your teacher, and even your older brother or sister who is in charge of you. When we show respect and are obedient, we are doing it for Jesus. Keep that in mind the next time you feel someone is taking advantage of you. Anyone can be prideful and stubborn, but it takes the power of the Holy Spirit to be humble when treated unfairly. And remember too, that Jesus also said in John 10:17-19 CEV “No one takes my life from me. I give it up willingly!”

Offended. Did you know that “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle” (Proverbs 18:19). With that thought, do yourself a favor and don’t allow yourself to become offended by something that is said to you or how it is said; instead listen with an open and forgiving heart. So many of us have been hurt over and over again and we are now overly sensitive, assuming everyone is out to hurt us.

Sometimes if anyone looks at us in the wrong way, or doesn’t pay attention to us, we can get into the habit of overreacting and even falling apart. Whenever you are hurt, take it immediately to the Lord and nail all those hurts to the cross. That has helped me stay free of hurt and offenses. Remember Jesus died for all sins, even those done to you—so let’s not waste a drop of His precious blood, okay? The best solution is just to forgive the other person by saying, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” and then just crawl into His lap. Each and every time someone hurts you, get alone with God and tell Him all about it. Then take a moment to let Him speak sweet things into your heart. If you make a habit of this, not only will others not be able to hurt you again, but each time it happens, you will find that you feel more loved after spending time with the Lord!

God is very clear—it matters How we say it!

“Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness” (Proverbs 16:21). The New Living Translation says it this way; “to speak in a pleasing way helps people know what you say is right.” Sometimes what we say has the potential of hurting someone’s feelings, but being truthful doesn’t mean it has to hurt. Instead, the more it might hurt the other person, the more kindness, sweetness, and love you should use when saying what needs to be said—always finishing up with how much you love the person and, if appropriate, hugging them.

Do you ponder how to answer? When anger or wrath is coming at us, God tells us the right response we must make in order to glorify Him as a Christian and have a powerful testimony of His love for us. It says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (Proverbs 15:28). Though we always feel we “should” say something, very often if we simply do not say anything, except to agree (as we discussed before) and give the entire situation to the Lord, He will take care of it. The point is to “ponder”, which means to wait, think, and pray about it rather than being so quick to say something that has the potential to hurt someone who might have been spared. If they ask you to respond, just ask if it would be okay if you really thought about what they said and get back to them later. Most people appreciate that you care enough to think more about what they have said. Of course, you need to simply take it all to the Lord, give it to Him, listen to Him, and then ask Him how to respond with kindness if it is necessary.

What is your face telling others? “By forbearance [a proper facial expression] a ruler may be persuaded and a soft tongue breaks the bone” (Proverbs 25:15). (Or “soft answer” in the KJV.) Be careful that your face always radiates the love of Jesus, and then respond softly and kindly in order to break the power of evil that loves to use the believer to do its dirty work. And the way to radiate His love is to look to Him in every situation and throughout every day! Psalm 34:5 tells us how to look radiant, “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed.”

Be Content— Never Grumble, Never Complain!

Without murmuring or disputing. Even if we don’t continue to fight with a person who is picking a fight with us, most of us continue to murmur or dispute under our breath or behind the other person’s back by calling a friend. “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down” (Proverbs 26:20). “Do all things without grumbling or disputing” (In the KJV it says, “murmuring or disputing.”) (Philippians 2:14).

Learn to be content. “Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Philippians 4:11). “. . . being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5). “But godliness is actually a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment” (1 Timothy 6:6).

My late Grandma Brown was a woman who demonstrated this lovely character of contentment. No matter what she was doing: scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees or doing her handiwork alone, she was happy. She never complained. She said she never thought about where she would rather be nor what she would rather be doing. It is because of her example that I could be happy when I was traveling and away from my children and my home. Instead of thinking where I would “rather be” I chose to be happy because I knew I was where the Lord wanted me to be at every given moment since my life is surrendered to Him and His will. Besides, Jesus is always with me… so where I am, or what I am doing, or where I go next, doesn’t matter—I am continually with Him! And so are you!

Our lives are what speaks the most to other people as it says in 2 Corinthians 3:2 NASB “You are our letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men.” So, rather than trying to talk to other people, my daughter said she chooses to live with contentment in her life. She told me that she wants to make sure she is happy and looks for the good. This is what we chose to do when my children’s father left us. She said that she decided that it is better to be content than to complain, worry, or stress about something that God has obviously allowed, ultimately for her good (even though it rarely feels that way when we are living through it).

Do not crush the spirit. The book of Proverbs also tells us about what we say and what it can do to our friends, family, or coworkers: “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). The definition of perversion in this verse means “obstinate.” Therefore, being obstinate or stubborn can crush the spirit of someone we say we love.

Slander or Gossip

A slanderer reveals secrets. One of the most common snares that all women seem to fall into is gossiping. The Greek word for slanderer in the Strong’s Concordance, which explains the original translation, is rakiyl (raw-keel) which means to carry tales; a talebearer. Here is what God tells us about gossiping:

Put slander away from you. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior” (Ephesians 4:31 NLT).

Do not associate with a gossip. “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (Proverbs 20:19). Years ago I had a friend who would share her “prayer concerns” with me that were nothing more than gossip. I had to tell her that because of my weakness, we could no longer be the kind of friends we used to be because of my weakness of gossiping and to please pray for me. This was the first step, confession, to my being free of this problem. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16a).

A slanderer is a fool. You don’t need to get into details to share a prayer request—don’t be a fool. “And he who spreads slander is a fool” (Proverbs 10:18). God knows the details of everything going on, but it’s the enemy who would love to hurt those same people you are led to pray for. So remember his schemes and don’t allow him to be part of hurting or destroying another person “so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11).

She who shames him. You may find as you get rid of these kind of conversations that you have nothing left to say to your friends. If you resist the temptation to slip back into your old ways, God will be faithful to teach you to edify rather than speaking badly about people. What is even worse is how so many Christians shame the very ones they profess to love, especially their husbands or children! If you practice this now, when you get married you will find that you will not make the mistake of tearing down your house and marriage! “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1).

Edify simply means to build someone up, rather than tearing a person down. And who doesn’t want to be around positive people? And think about this, when I know someone who speaks badly about other people, I can be sure they are probably speaking badly about me too! So, if you change in this one area, I guarantee it will act as a magnet to draw friends to you. It won’t take them long to know you will not speak about them behind their backs, nor will they speak against you either—instead they will defend you to others!

Rottenness to his bones. “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness to his bones” (Proverbs 12:4). I asked this question once before: What kind of wife are you going to be—a crown or rottenness to your husband? If you begin to practice the principles in this (and the other chapters in this book) now, I guarantee that you will be a crown to your husband, and you will attract a husband who will honor you as the weaker vessel. Even better, God guarantees it!

“Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

‘Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all.’

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

But a woman who fears the LORD,

she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:28–30).

Fearing the Lord. This verse and other verses of the Bible mean that we respect what He says to the point that we would never want to violate His laws or principles. Why would a husband rise up and bless a wife like that?

Her husband has no lack of gain. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain” (Proverbs 31:11). By always speaking kindly to and about those we love, we are helping them to be all they can be! When a good woman is behind her husband, she will find he can accomplish anything God calls him to. Unfortunately, in the same way what is happening in most marriages, is that the couple tear each other down and the other person actually becomes just what we said due to our foolish words!

A slanderer separates intimate friends. So often we foolishly tell other people about a weakness of the people we profess to love: a husband, our child, our parents, siblings, and even our best friends. We no longer are trustworthy when we tell someone something they have told us in confidence. Here is the result of that foolishness, “A slanderer separates intimate friends” (Proverbs 16:28). We weaken or destroy friendships and relationships, but the consequences are much worse…

Him I will destroy. Here is what the Bible says about someone who slanders, “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him [or her] I will destroy” (Psalm 101:5). Another startling fact is that within God’s description of a reprobate in the book of Romans, a slanderer is listed along with a gossip. (See Romans 1:29-32) A reprobate is someone who God has given over to pursue their lusts, rather than to try to turn them to the truth (a scary thought isn’t it?).

To sum up:

Never speak about anyone in a negative way or reveal secrets (what was told to you in confidence or what happens in your home that should not be shared with others), because God tells us:

That we will separate our loved-ones from his or her close friends.

That no one should associate with us—especially, not other Christians.

That gossip is a characteristic of a reprobate!

That God will destroy us!

And finally, that we are acting foolishly.

Speaking to one another in Psalms. Instead, of speaking against anyone, let us put away this characteristic and begin today to speak “. . . to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:19). Do damage to the kingdom of darkness by sharing testimonies of good things you hear, and please keep quiet about all the evil things happening in the world; the things everyone else seems to be obsessed with talking about. Why should we give evil so much advertising? Wouldn’t our time and our lives be more productive if we used our time and energy to talk about good things that will spread good news?

Have you ever wondered what God thinks of a liar?

Most Christians have no earthly idea how bad lying is or I am sure they would try much harder to always tell the truth.

Six things that the Lord hates. “There are six things the Lord hates—no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family” (Proverbs 6:16-19). Most of us are against abortion; yet, have we taken the time to see what the Bible tells us? God not only hates lying and thinks it’s an abomination, but He also compares a liar to an abortionist (hands that kill the innocent) who sheds innocent blood! Therefore, let us all cry out, “Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue” (Psalm 120:2).

The father of lies. Another reason that we never, ever want to lie is because the devil is the father of lies! “You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44 NLT). This truth we just read should change the way we feel about a casual lie.

Here are a few more verses we need to read and ponder:

“Do not steal or tell lies or cheat others” (Leviticus 19:11).

“If you obey the Lord, you will always know the right thing to say. But no one will trust you if you tell lies” (Proverbs 10:32 CEV).

“You are in for trouble! The lies you tell are like ropes by which you drag along sin and evil” (Isaiah 5:18 CEV).

“We trap ourselves by telling lies, but we stay out of trouble by living right” (Proverbs 12:13 CEV).

“Dishonesty does you no good, and telling lies will get you in trouble” (Proverbs 17:20 CEV).

“God is no mere human! He doesn't tell lies or change his mind. God always keeps his promises” (Numbers 23:19 CEV).

What Does Physical Abuse Have to Do with What We Say?

Calls for blows. Physical abuse is an epidemic in our society—especially in our homes today. Does the Bible reveal the truth by telling us why this is happening? “A babbling fool will be thrown down” (Proverbs 10:8). “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows” (Proverbs 18:6). In the very beginning of this chapter, we touched on this principle; but now let’s look at it more closely since abuse is rampant in our societies, and the only way to find a true cure, is to go to the root and pull it out.

Guards his mouth. “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3). “A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating” (Proverbs 18:6 NIV). If you are quick to judge, belittle, or challenge someone, you are probably headed for abuse. Instead, learn to be quiet rather than always having a comment, and if you do have to say something, say something kind. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). You can’t blame the other person’s violent temper and their lack of control when you cannot control what you say, which the Bible says is just screaming for abuse.

You may be careful when speaking to those you care about: like your good friends or your current boyfriend. However, if you are acting differently with other people in your life, that poison will soon spill into your most important relationships and it will be a habit that is hard to break. The only way to be REAL is to be the same with everyone in your life, which includes your parents, siblings (whom many of you first learned to argue with), your friends, coworkers, and even the boss you don’t like!

You’re not in control when you’ve been drinking or taking drugs.

Not wise. “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” (Proverbs 20:1).  Not only is a person who drinks not wise, he or she, the Bible says, is a fool. This is how God describes it. “Who is always in trouble? Who argues and fights? Who has cuts and bruises? Whose eyes are red? Everyone who stays up late, having just one more drink. Don't even look at that colorful stuff bubbling up in the glass! It goes down so easily, but later it bites like a poisonous snake. You will see weird things, and your mind will play tricks on you. You will feel tossed about like someone trying to sleep on a ship in a storm. You will be bruised all over, without even remembering how it all happened. And you will lie awake asking, ‘When will morning come, so I can drink some more?” (Proverbs 23:29-35 CEV).

The problem is not whether or not it is “okay” for a Christian to drink; the Bible says that drinking affects our moods and ability to reason (read it again for yourself). Some Christians will try to justify drinking, saying that it is not a sin. Drinking may not, in itself, be a sin—but the effects of alcohol have destroyed millions, maybe billions of lives! It removes the normal cautions that God set in place for our (and others) protection. And when the normal cautions are removed, the effects of drinking can be lethal and deadly—just ask any family who has had someone they loved killed by a drunk driver.

Yet you say that you don’t drink that much, and you never drive if you’ve been drinking, so, since you handle drinking “responsibly” it is okay. Wrong. Even though you may be able to control this destroyer, someone is always watching, always. And it just may be that the new believer who has a weakness for alcohol will be watching and you will cause that person to drink and that stronghold will pull them back into the life they walked away from.  Remember, Jesus said that “whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18: 6).

For me, I have chosen to follow Paul’s example when he said, “Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall. So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves” (Romans 14:20–22 NIV).

As with everything in our lives, it is not how something we do that affects our lives, but how it affects other people’s lives. “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Utter perverse things. Let’s read this verse once again in another version out of respect for someone who has been hurt by this killer. “Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has contentions? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who linger long over wine, those who go to taste mixed wine. Do not look on the wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly; at the last it bites like a serpent, and stings like a viper. Your eyes will see strange things, and your mind will utter perverse things. And you will be like one who lies down in the middle of the sea, or like one who lies down on the top of a mast. ‘They struck me, but I did not become ill; they beat me, but I did not know it. When shall I awake? I will seek another drink’” (Proverbs 23:29–35).

Don’t give in to peer pressure, since sin loves company. Drinking and drugs are poison to the body—the first time you try it your body tells you that! Then if you continue, which most do since it is also addictive, your body will be able to tolerate it better (like without throwing up). And then to feel the effects, you have to drink more.

From there it just increases to excess when you reach the point that either you pass out, or die. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death” (James 1:14–15 NLT).

And let’s speak the truth about this… a person who drinks to excess is not an “alcoholic.” Drinking to excess is not a disease; it is the sin that holds a person captive. “His own iniquities will capture the wicked, and he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he will go astray” (Proverbs 5:22). If you are being “held with the cords of this sin or any other” confess your sin(s) and ask that person to pray for you. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). This verse also shows us who we should confess to—a righteous person. [Remember, the word “man” means human, not that gender.] The very best person you should confess to and get help from is an older woman.

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women…so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3, 5). And if you stumble, just continue to confess to this older woman, and cry out to God to deliver you from this sin (or any other sin that holds you captive). And don’t let guilt, which is from the enemy to discourage you, keep you down, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again” (Proverbs 24:16).

The drug and alcohol programs that truly work, I believe, are the ones that encourage the alcoholic to confess their dependence on a higher power—and when that Higher Power is Jesus, nothing, not one thing, is impossible to overcome no matter what statistics say. “For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). I have heard countless testimonies, first hand, of men and women who were completely delivered from things that “experts” say are incurable! That’s only because the only cure for whatever ails us is Jesus!!

Proceeds out. Remember this; “Not what enters into the mouth defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man” (Matthew 15:11). And as we read, drinking or drugs will cause your lips to sin, so then, why not seek God’s help to stop? If you don’t think you have a problem, prove it to yourself by asking the people who are closest to you—ask anyone who you know loves you enough to tell you the truth since the Bible says, “You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy” (2 Timothy 4:3). Certainly you wouldn’t choose someone who has a weakness for drinking or drugs to help you find the truth about your drinking or drugs, or would you? Remember, only “the Truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).

To Sum Up:

1. Watch how much you say—with many words transgression is unavoidable. Instead, answer simply with “Yes, yes” or “No, no”—Jesus said anything more than this will lead to evil.
2. Be careful what you say—because it is by your words that you’ll be justified and by your words you’ll be condemned!
3. If healing is needed in a relationship, remember a joyful heart is good medicine, pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones, and sweetness of speech adds persuasiveness.
4. Do not argue—agree with your adversary quickly!
5. Think before you answer. Give a gentle answer, ponder (think a while) how you should answer, and don’t answer before you listen, because it is foolish and results in shame!
6. Take the time to learn to be content. Contentment is a learned and practiced character quality. You must learn to be content in whatever circumstances you are in. And finally…
7. Walk in the Spirit. Here is a rule to live by… are you ready?

Whatever is easy for us to do in the flesh; is of the flesh.

Whatever is difficult to do and requires us to draw on the Holy Spirit’s strength; is walking in the Spirit.

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh . . . these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please” (Galatians 5:16-17).

Let us all first try to appear wise by simply keeping silent.
Next let us make sure that when we do open our mouths
it is with wisdom, in kindness, and to bless others.
Let our words be sweet, kind, and gentle.

Personal commitment to open my mouth with wisdom and kindness. “Based on what I have just learned from God’s Word, I surrender my mouth to the Lord so that I will begin to remain quiet, to wait before I answer, and to be sweet in all my words when speaking to everyone.”