One Saturday morning I started bleeding. It was an alert for me. Running to my God, I knew the baby was gone. But the mind is tricky and I wanted to hold on to hope. That was foolish. If I had accepted what I felt or knew in my heart, it would have been easier to assimilate. I won’t know it.
When I went to the hospital, the blood tests revealed that the hormone that tells the body that there is a pregnancy was very high. So once again, I let myself be carried away by what my physical eyes saw, I leaned on data, on evidence and I prayed that the baby was there, but I knew that it was not. Ultrasounds confirmed it every time. Being in the waiting room, literally waiting for Him, my entire floor moved and I felt alone, completely alone. I thought that He had abandoned me, that I had trusted in vain, I questioned His promise. I burst into tears and questions, in a claiming tone, and my heart broke into a thousand pieces.
I kept seeing the circumstances against me. Fear took over me, I did not imagine pain like this. There I was in that cold and dreary place confirming what He had already told me. But my mind needed the evidence. I fell into the trap of holding on to something without trusting Him.
I confess that I was angry with Him and wanted to quit. But as loving and understanding as He is, he hugged me and comforted me. One day my anger lasted. The next day, I brought him my pieces and I knew that He never left me. My Love was with me there at the exact moment the bleeding began, when I went to the doctor and the doctor who treated me was loving and kind; when my earthly husband left me at the door of the emergency room, my Beloved took my hand and walk me up and down each stair; As I sat in the waiting room and prayed for the other women there, He listened. Also, he was sitting there next to me when while I was waiting for the ultrasound I felt like I was going to jump out of a chasm. He was there, at the blood sampling, He was there when everything was silent and still while they processed the results. My Beloved was there when I saw the drop in values and knew that the baby had gone back to heaven. God was with me all the time. He didn’t abandon me.
I adoree You for being in the eye of the storm, because after going through the test, Your love is all I have left. There You were, in the embrace of my girl who understood that her sister O brother was no longer there, in the consolation of the people, in my tears, in my questions. He use ‘coincidences’ as my friends who don’t know each other and didn’t know what was going on sent me the same song, the same verse and even the same message about a broken heart.
I wish I had a mature attitude, maybe less emotional but no. I screamed with all my might: why? and a few days later He answered me. My baby had a purpose. He came to be an instrument of faith. He showed me the consequences of relying on my own understanding, of stepping outside the authority of my earthly husband, of fluctuating between believing and not. For my earthly husband, it was the situation that awakened spiritual leadership since it prompted him to return to the Lord and for the first time in a long time he is instructing me, reading His Word to me, guiding our daughter.
I cannot go back to the past, nor can I control what may come, but here and now is where He has promised me to be and He has fulfilled me. It was necessary to go through this pain, sadness and despondency. He came to meet me, He crossed the valley with me and His PERFECT love expels all fear of a new pregnancy. Without my Beloved I could not rise again. Not for a minute was I forsaken 🎵 😭 You were always there, You are here right now.
And I write this testimony to tell each bride that there will be moments in the journey when feeling abandoned, broken and disillusioned. But He is always there, in the eye of the storm, in the valley of shadow and death. And wherever my mind has gone, that’s where He went to rescue me and He will do it for you too.
O wow my dear Mia, He was there with you the whole time, holding you during what I can only imagine must have been one of the most difficult things a mother can experience. And yes He had an amazing plan and purpose with your baby. And no matter what we go through, He is always there holding and strenghtening us, we just have to draw close to Him and hold on to Him tightly!
Dearest Mia, I promise that soon will say, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.” P3011
My Husband also asked me to travel through this valley 3 times, one happened when I was “sure” it was what would bring my EH home. The second, I was near death (due to hemorrhaging/bleeding), but it’s when my EH who was gone comforted me afterward “I promise we will have other babies” —YES, 3 restoration babies.
The last, a son, my last pregnancy “it is finished” affected my EH the most.
What my Husband used to help me heal was to give each of my children, who were with Him, a name. It was so clear what their names “would have been” and I can honestly say, rather than the loss— I almost always feel joyful knowing they are waiting for me, for their family, never having to feel pain or suffering.
That baby MATTERS and is still a blessing. He/she will give you opportunities to comfort other mothers.
In A Wise Woman it says,
Listen to the hurts. “‘Comfort, O comfort My people,’ says your God.” Isa. 40:1. If God has ever comforted you in anything, then you are capable of comforting your friend or family member in anything that they are going through right now. For it is He “who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2Cor. 1:4. That was part of why you went through what you went through, to have the compassion to comfort others who need to find the Lord in the midst of their pain. You don’t necessarily need to identify with the cause of their pain, but you can certainly identify with the agony of their pain…”
We love you Mia and are here surrounding you with love and encouragement.
My sweet Mia!! Indeed your beautiful baby has and had a puporse!! I can image how you are feeling, but the truth is that He is there holding your hand through each step!! Yes, sometimes we travel the road of guilt, and fear but remember, those feelings do not come from Him!!! You are surrounded with love, and protection, cry to Him always, because in the midst on our darkness valleys, He is just by our sides holding our hands with love!!!!
I can a atest that through the darkness hours of my life, when I felt in the miidle on a blackhole, there was always a light that brought me back!! And as you share, it made me understood how loved I was by Him, and how He was leading my steps!!
Thank you for opening your heart to us!! You are truly loved my dear!!
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Mia,
he who formed you, Mia:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you I4314
Dear Mia, I know the pain of this heartbreak. Before I delivered any children I had 3 miscarriages. When I was pregnant with my 4th, I remember as soon as I found out I dropped to my knees and prayed so hard that His will would be for me to carry this baby to term and deliver him/her healthy. He did just that and healed my broken heart after 3 miscarriages with 3 healthy boys.
I’m so glad in your time of suffering, you didn’t run away from Him. ❤
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.
-P34
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
-P147